overheard in the whitney house: music lesson

last weekend, we were watching this mostly live-action version of the velveteen rabbit with langley, and during one of the cartoon parts, they do this cheesy musical number. LP starts bopping to it, as usual, and then i hear this:

bryan: if you like this, you're gonna love styx.

overheard in the whitney house: near miss

bryan: good thing i lowered her crib four months ago.

me: yeah, we really dodged that bullet.

overheard in the whitney house: baby fight club

bryan's reaction to LP being upset: you're gonna have to suck it up, kid. this is your life, and it's fucking ending one second at a time.

overheard in the whitney house: baby therapy

when langley wakes up some mornings, she makes what we call "the most annoying sound in the world." it sounds like a wrong answer buzzer on a game show. keeping that in mind, here's a text message i got from bryan a couple of weeks ago:

i had a dream last night that i was in the waiting room at a therapist's office, and there was this old jewish man yelling the whole time. then i woke up and i realized langley was the old jewish man.

overheard in the whitney house: baby paraphernalia

in the category of "things you never thought you'd hear a man say:"

bryan: ugh, i hate these nipples! it's too hard to tell what kind they are!

overheard in the whitney house: injuries

me: the first time she falls or hits something and gets a little scar, i’m going to be so upset.

bryan: it’ll be just like the first time i dropped my iphone.

overheard in the whitney house: future purchases

me to bryan: i gotta tell you baby, price isn't really what's keeping me out of the helicopter market.

overheard in the whitney house: commercials

so there is a ford ad running right now that starts out with a guy talking in a perfectly commercial-y and generally non-incendiary manner. my husband apparently took offense and thought the ad required a much nastier plot line.

commercial: people ask me, "mike, why ford? why now? and i say..."

bryan: "because I SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH."

for some reason, his response to this commercial cracked us up for at least a half hour. then it came up in a text conversation about the baby.

bryan: "she hates to poop."

me: "she is not poop's biggest fan."

bryan: "poop is not on her baby facebook friends list."

me: "people ask her 'why poop? why now? and she's all 'i'll shit in your mouth!'"

overheard in the whitney house: even more animal comparisons

the following is a list of nicknames and various descriptors for langley and her actions:

• babydog (obviously)
• ferreting (when she's rooting around for the boob or the bottle)
• bird mouth (when she's opening her mouth to signal she wants to eat but isn't "ferreting")
• moose ears (when she throws her hands up above her ears, making them look like antlers)
• turtle face (when she scrunches her neck down and then stretches it out; usually signifies a "movement")
• chipmunk cheeks (seriously, look at these cheeks)
• kangaroo feet (when she's kicking around like a mad woman, usually while we're trying to change her)
• monkey lips (which also look a lot like fish lips)
• bulldog (when she's got such serious boogs that it sounds like she can barely breathe)

clearly, we have problems in this family...

overheard in the whitney house: baby development

"i'm just saying, why can't our baby be at least as good as a giraffe?"

my husband said this when wondering why it takes humans so long to be self-sufficient. apparently, our baby is not as good as a giraffe because she didn't come out of the womb walking. god, i love him.