34 weeks

dear little boognish,

saturday was the beginning of our 34th week together, and even though the day we meet you is now tantalizingly close, this whole pregnancy thing is really starting to wear on your mamadog. even forgetting the constant constipation, the still-hanging-in-there-even-though-it’s-less-frequent headache and the months of being unable to unwind with a nice tall glass of guinness, we still have to deal with the hourly pee alarms in the middle of the night, which are becoming far more difficult now that i have to actually roll myself off the bed. add to that the stress that the OB has imposed on our lives, and i’m about ready to fly to africa, leaving modern civilization and the need to wear clothes other than flowing robes far, far behind me.

first, the good stuff. we had your baby shower a couple of weeks ago, and you are a popular chick. you already have more clothes than i do (at least, clothes that fit me). our house is a daily dropoff site for delivery men, which is really awesome to deal with, given that you have five furry brothers and sisters, all of whom go completely apoplectic whenever anyone gets anywhere near our front door. still, i’m trying to put a positive spin on it because i figure they’re just practicing for when they have to protect you from all the scary noises and infiltrating strangers of the world.

as we’re starting to feel more and more prepared for your arrival (okay, somewhat prepared...yeah, not prepared at all, but at least we have all the right furniture ready for you), our doctor is trying to systematically break down every last ounce of sanity we have left, and trust me, honey, it was not something we possessed in surplus in the first place.

it started with our second ultrasound, after which the doctor told us my amniotic fluid was a little low, which, oh by the way, could mean the baby has no kidneys, but don’t worry! we’re sure everything is just fine! and it turned out that everything was fine, according to the next ultrasound. then we had the glucose test, which apparently came back “borderline,” meaning i could have gestational diabetes. so we did the three-hour glucose test, and the doctor says, oh everything is fine! no worries! looks like the rest of this pregnancy is just going to sail by! then i get a phone call telling me i need to come in for twice weekly nonstress tests. and what are those for? pregnancies that are high risk. people with low amniotic fluid. people with gestational diabetes. so i ask, why do i need these tests when i was just told three days ago that everything is going great? just to be extra careful, doc says. okay. so i go in for the first test, and i hear the medical assistant tell someone that the reason i’m doing these tests is because my three-hour glucose test came back borderline. awesome! thanks for the info! remember when you guys all told me everything was just swell? yeah, it was like, i don’t know, yesterday?? after the first test, they told me we passed with flying colors, so i’m sure that in a couple of days i’ll get a phone call saying i need to come in three times a week or something.

i really don’t mind the doctor being overly cautious. i want him to be overly cautious. i just need him to be a little more upfront, just a bit more informative - you know, without trying to terrify us into thinking that our baby is going to be born with horns, a tail and no kidneys. i’m just telling you this because one day, a long, long time from now, you’re going to be awaiting the arrival of your own baby, and i just want you to know that i will not fault you if you decide to go the old school route and stay the hell away from doctors’ offices and all their urine-collecting, parent-scaring ways.

i know that you and i are doing just fine, and i’m going to try my best to not let these people make me completely crazy. and if i fail at that, i have your daddy here to beat the crap out of them.

love,

mamadog