Wednesday, April 30, 2008

things i love wednesday

so, i haven't used my iGoogle page in about a gajillion years, but today, i learned that you can choose themes for your page, and i had to try it out. all i have to say is diane von furstenberg rocks. i might just keep this page open all day long for the simple beauty of it.

i wasn't even kidding

the other day, i mentioned that the aspca has my house on speed dial. last night, we once again lived up to the expectation.

my dog has a GIANT HOLE IN HIS LEG. that's right - another dog, another injury. same leg and same overall look to the wound, however, so we're thinking obsessive compulsive flesh-eating virus.

the sole difference this time is that malichai didn't make a sound that could break glass when his injury occurred. we simply noticed him looking superultrasadpants and limping a bit. then we noticed the GIANT HOLE IN HIS LEG, and okay, it's only slightly bigger than teagan's, but still.

if this wound turns out not to be the work of a sci-fi channel-esque mutant chemically-imbalanced virus, that leaves only three suspects, and they all have something to gain by attempting to amputate chai's leg.

suspect #1:

possible motive: payback for wound inflicted upon her, which was blamed on malichai. plus, she's faster than chai, which means she probably could have run up, dealt deadly blow and then returned to eating grass without arousing suspicions.

suspect #2:

possible motive: malichai is always trying to keep this man down. bronson has bad hips, so malichai tends to get the better of him quite often. he covets the top dog spot. plus, this is just the face of a psychopathic revenge artist. it is now suspected that he may have caused the original injury to teagan, perhaps because he was jealous of her unsurpassed agility.

suspect #3:

possible motive: aiko was the original dog, and she needed a hump of fluids when we got malichai because she worked herself into a frenzied depression. although she acts like she loves him, i think she secretly yearns for the days when she was the one, the only apple in her parents' eyes.

i'll take any suggestions as to who looks the most guilty of the crime of making malichai look this sad:

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

because she knows i love daisies

when i arrived at my office this morning, i had this lovely birthday arrangement of daisies inside daisies on my desk, placed there by my lovely assistant, and p.s., did i mention she's my mother? i was so ready to get good beer and real food in havasu touched that i let her leave at 11:30. lesson: it pays to suck up to the boss. or be related to her.

note: that white stuff in the vase is not, contrary to popular my belief, crushed ice. it is styrofoam, and it serves a purpose...i think.

fantastic email re: tax rebate

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA. Thank you for your help & please support the US.

ps...thanks jamie!

Monday, April 28, 2008

for the record...#2

whatever mystical comic genius decided it was a good idea for me to turn 29, likely attain my 4th bar failure and get my lovely monthly visitor all in the same week is truly on my shit list.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

the awesome power of annelid feces

i have no idea what this product even is because all i could focus on was holy crap, how have i never had a need for something with eco-friendly worm poop in it? i highly recommend any such product - just don't let your children drink it...apparently, worm poop is not so kid-friendly.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

guilt trip weekend, or why the aspca has me on speed dial

my dog has a GIANT HOLE IN HER LEG.

i should explain.

first of all, it's not a GIANT HOLE. it's a tooth-sized hole.

and second of all, the fact that i did not notice it until at least 15 hours after it happened = i am a horrible (dog) mother.

third, let me tell you how easy it is for our family to rack up a $222 vet bill. 1) assume that blood-curdling scream coming from dog resulted from simply being shoved to the ground by another dog and not from GIANT HOLE IN HER LEG. 2) don't inspect said dog until 15 hours later when she sits in front of you on the bed and looks ultra-patheticpants. 3) take dog to vet clinic DURING OFFICE HOURS but close enough to closing time to invoke emergency office visit fee.

that said, our teagan is a freaking rock star and acts like there is not a GIANT HOLE IN HER LEG, and i am uber-impressed with her. of course, she could have done without husband proceeding to clip her nails, which naturally resulted in bloody toe because teagan is convinced that we are trying to murder her every time we do this. insult to injury. she's not speaking to him anymore.

but she looooooves me.

Friday, April 25, 2008

break it down

i really don't have any other reason for posting this photo other than the fact that my husband's sheer anger at the old wooden swing that came with our house needed to be documented. i'm just sad i don't have a video of him stomping up and down on the poor thing while grunting like a caveman...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

old safeway, or why bossy must come to my town

today i discovered that my unfettered love for the new safeway in my town shall henceforth be known as my unfettered love for the OLD safeway in my town. but, i should start at the beginning, because my new love is so exciting that i just can't resist letting the people person + self who reads this blog savor every moment of my discovery.

there are two safeways in my town and, since i first moved here, i have religiously attended the services that the newer safeway provides. EXCEPT on sunday mornings, as safeway apparently sees fit to deprive me of my right to purchase alcohol prior to 10 AM, and really, what else do i really need before 10 AM besides alcohol?

old safeway's offerings are perfectly conducive to the buying habits of the ordinary consumer, but shiny-fancy-pretty new safeway is way more in tune with my desire to further elevate myself from the average resident. and honestly, if you take judgmental and elitist out of my daily vocabulary, i will just shrivel up and die. (my husband says old safeway is a little 'to, which i'm told is some kind of slang for ghetto, but i don't listen to gangsta rap, so i can't quite be sure.)

but now, on to my discovery, a.k.a. why i may never shop at new safeway again: old safeway has a checker who looks just like john cusack. and yes, i did just say checker, just like i would if i were a 90-year-old bingo-playing grandmother in wisconsin. deal with it. the important thing is THIS GUY LOOKS JUST LIKE JOHN EFFING CUSACK! but john cusack when he was in better off dead, not so much john cusack when he was in the ice harvest...although john cusack has apparently made a pact with the devil, wherein he ages only one year for every 10 or 15, so the two are very similar.

and THEN, as if the stars had all suddenly aligned and were shining down upon me, i heard THIS on my way home...okay, so i made that part up because i was actually listening to this, but in my head, it was peter gabriel all the way.

so, adios new safeway. i have a date with the guy standing outside my window with a giant boombox while talking to anthony michael hall about my underwear and directing planes into the airport with billy bob thornton.

um, p.s., can anyone tell me why blogger likes to arbitrarily change the leading in my posts? because i'm about to have an obsessive compulsive freakout.

champagne thursday: toast #1

uncork a bottle and salute this guy for having such a fabulous idea...if by fabulous, one means hey, remember that horrible, awful man who killed a bunch of people - what a perfect mate for one of the world's most beloved dolls!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

29x365: #3 anicca

can't believe i've known you since i was in high school (you called me "crunchy"), and you were...not in high school. later, you married my husband.

29x365: #2 angie

you once lived in a house full of angies, but you will always be my favorite. honor, schmonor - you are my maid of all things good, hilarious and fantastic.

r.i.p. pink scrunchy socks...

pink scrunchy socks lady at the gym is no more...she is now pink folded-into-giant-ankle-pillow socks lady. beautiful. and the fact that she was ellipticizing (oh yeah, it's a word) in slow motion right next to the super speedy bouncy boobs guy just started my whole day off in the right direction.

Monday, April 21, 2008

why i love this town: reason #143

okay, so this isn't the current jail, but the fact that this sign not only exists, but is actually emblazoned upon the building in more than one location, just makes me smile every time i pass it.

people i'm glad to see still going to my gym

after a six-month BRIEF hiatus from going to the gym, i've been ecstatic to see all my old friends over the past week.

for example, octogenarian guy who wears dress pants and silk-esque button-down, gem-colored shirts - good to see you're still barely moving your arms and legs working that cardio program.

chick that wears pink scrunchy socks, like the kind my friends and i used to wear doubled up with a different color - and, oh my god, how the hell did our feet not melt into our keds in the summer? - good to see ya!

crazy guy with the sweatband around your wobbly head, atop your uber-wobbly body, while you flail walk your little heart out on the treadmill - glad to watch you defy the laws of physics!

and to see all of you again while i watch a commercial full of ginormously obese people who have instead opted for surgical intervention? perfection.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

write that down in your copybook

i discovered this fantastic show when i got my first tivo, back when i still had it set to give me ridiculous recommendations based on my thumbs-up approval of other shows, and by the way, do you know that tivo thinks i should be watching "most extreme challenge" AND an 18-hour miniseries about how to make paper? in any case, at least this one was a winner, along with all the episodes in the series.

Friday, April 18, 2008

for the record...

when someone has taken a certain exam multiple times and that same someone has "failed to achieve a passing score" on said exam, it is NOT. COOL. to continually ask that someone if she thinks she passed it this time. particularly when the results are not due for another month.

those were the days

remember when we were super excited about defying nature and putting in a grassy backyard? yeah, now we just wish aiko would understand exactly why she's not allowed to urinate all over it.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

29x365: #1 bryan

four years together. nearly two years of marriage. still no racquetball.

who'd have thunk that two such bizarre people would meet in law school in the middle of nowhere?

pigfaced cowdog shows off some GIMP tweaks

7 weird things about me

after getting tagged for these things all the time on myspace and almost never responding to them, i figured it would be appropriate to open this blog with a long overdue meme. for the record, i generally find it very difficult to not be ridiculous about these lists, but i will do my best to restrain myself...

1. the smells of cinnamon toast and chocolate milk instantly transport me to the floor of my living room in new jersey, sitting pressed up against the wall heater and watching dukes of hazzard. EVERY. TIME.

2. i have a mild case of trychotillomania, which usually arises out of something becoming lodged in my eye and ends with me pulling out 136 eyelashes. i'm fairly certain my eyelids will one day require toupees.

3. when i was little, i loved cinderella so much that i decided one night that i wanted to have a dream about cinderella. i scrunched my face up and thought about it until i fell asleep. that night, i had a dream about cinderella. this phenomenon has not repeated itself since.

4. my husband and i can add "-pants" to any word and act like it makes sense. as in, we are busypants. the dogs are all crazypants. i knowpants. it's sad, really.

5. i actually enjoyed living in detroit. but then, i didn't really live IN detroit.

6. when i went off to college, i had recently acquired a ball python, which i refused to leave behind. the college only permitted fish as pets in dorm rooms. i put the snake in his aquarium and covered it with a blanket, telling people i passed it was just a fish tank, and i hauled him up however many ungodly flights to my room. he lived in my closet. he did NOT smell good.

7. i used to hang out with rock stars, but rarely with any whose music i actually enjoyed.